I am told that I might have had a stroke but that everything will be fine, probably

I am told that all of the tests are inconclusive. I am told that the blur on the screen might mean that something has died, but the report says probably benign.

I read the textbooks myself until my brain invents a brand new kind of headache, as undiagnosable as the rest. I read double-blind studies until the words black out, become a blur that means that something else has died.

I read until suddenly I can’t read anymore. I say I can’t read anymore. I am told that worrying will only make it worse, whatever it is, although it is probably benign. I say what will make it better? I am told that all of the tests are inconclusive.

Still the blur. Still the spasms, the reflexes all wrong. Still the flashing lights, the forgotten words, the fumbling. Still the parking garage, the waiting room, the loud machines, the quiet machines. Still the veins more contrast than blood. Still the scale drops. I am told that I am lucky to eat whatever I want without gaining weight. No one asks me what I want.

I am spoon-fed half measures, platitudes, pills more side effect than effect. I try to swallow it all. I do not laugh at the word swallow anymore. I can’t. I must focus on the muscles of my throat, the smooth and the skeletal. I must repeat swallow, swallow, swallow until I do, or I can’t. I still choke. I still inhale liquids, solids.

I still don’t know why I walked into the bedroom, what I was looking for, what I needed. I can’t remember a thing. No one can tell me what I need. No one knows what to look for.

Sometimes I stare at the image of the blur and wonder if those dead cells became ghosts. All lights have turned into long exposures; trailing, spectral. Sometimes I wonder if the thing that died was the part of me that didn’t believe in ghosts. I often see myself outside of myself; blurry, spectral, maybe dying. I try to stay very still in the loud machines. I watch images spill from the quiet machines, the contrast always set too high.