Duck and Pivot

Here, it’s normal to smell balls. That took a little getting used to but now that I’m one of them the scent isn’t foul, it’s flowers. I get thirsty for wet air. I do my best work in that thick smell; it means our bodies are working. I’ve learned how to plant my face right down into the dank mat and not flinch. From the floor I hear the echoes of their leather soles. That’s all the history I can remember. From down here, every punch gets pressed into my cheek.

One, two. One, two. Breathe. Are you breathing? Fix your feet. Three, four. Five, six. Get your balance. One, one. Two. One, one, two. Feel the rhythm. Three, four. Three, Four. Three four. Protect your face.

Dried sweat is caked on the filthy floorboards. It is my job to taste it. I’m surrounded by men who watch me from the safety of their own dark corners. When I do something right, they tilt their chins up by a half an inch to let me know I’m acceptable. I tilt my chin up too, back at them, so it barely doubles.

Keep it loose. One, one, two. One, one, two. Stick and move. Move those feet. One, two. Duck and pivot. One, two. Pa pow. Pa pow! That’s the sound!

By the end of two hours, I’m breathless in this airless basement, my skin slick. There is no way I could ever know how much water is inside me. It never stops pouring out. My eyes sting from my deep salt, but I’m not able to wipe my face. My hands are bound and the bell hasn’t released me yet. I’ve lost track. How many rounds was I swinging?

Hands and feet. Feet and hands. Dance! Three, four, one. One. One. One. One. One. You’ve got this.

Pushing up from the torn blue rubber, my forearms shake. My knees are crossed, woman-style. We all know what this means. Down here, nothing is disgusting except not working hard so I work even harder to try to not be so disgusting. I’m not from here, but I can almost pass when the heat rises off the floor in ripples, blurring every last one of my mistakes.

Hands up. Hands up. Defense!

I look them in the eye. They never expect that. They don’t scare me much now. I never scared them. Sometimes they scare each other, but they don’t feel it as fear. For them, it’s just a threat. Who can take who down? Together, we practice being good at violence. In that way, we are the same.