The Formation of a Man
This is how I, a man[1], was formed to be the person I am today. Some things I’ll leave out. Some things I won’t. I can’t think of everything. I would apologise, but I stopped caring about this kind of thing a long time ago. Oh, there’s another thing.
1. Atoms
It seemed obvious to start here. My body is formed from countless atoms. I would use the word ‘literally’ as an intensifier here, but I detest that word. More on that later.
2. My parents
My parents, again, are an obvious go-to discussion point. My father is a psychologist. My mother is a psychologist. My father is British, while my mother is Afrikaans, so there'll be some differences beyond the physical ones, but I figured that would be a given.
3. The written word
I’ve been digesting the written word for a long time now. Most people have. Language and reading have formed me as much as anything physical has.
4. Go Dog, Go!
If you have kids, get a copy. I had this amazing tattered edition that fell apart at the seams, and I wonder if my parents still have it.
5. The word ‘Fag’, and other such names
I remember first being called a fag at the age of ten. I don’t like to dwell on it. The things I most remember from my formative educational years were being told that I suck cock and am gay because I dislike football. I’m not gay, by the way. I think the most accurate term would be ‘mostly straight’. That isn’t very clear, but that’s the point.
6. My love of films
I tend to go on about films[2] way too much. The earliest film I remember seeing is You Only Live Twice, which fed my love of James Bond – more on him later.
7. My awkwardness
I didn’t know how to speak to people, let alone the opposite sex, until I became a teenager. I still don’t think I’ve mastered it, but I’m not going to apologise if I haven’t.
8. Performing arts.
Dance, drama, singing, the whole shebang. I don’t think I had what it takes.
9. Jazz and Country
I listen to a plethora of music, but jazz and country music speak to me. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I imagine myself to be improvising through a large part of my life, and because I’m a bit of a loser. But hey, we’re all losers.
10. James Bond and Batman
There are the mainstream media portrayals of both characters which, while admirable, can lead to public perspective being pretty reductive. Even in the Fleming novels, where Bond is, in all honesty, a dick, you see the internal issues the character is struggling with. As for Batman, where one person views a rich guy beating people up, I see a traumatised individual struggling with a major internal crisis caused by the murder of his parents. But that’s one interpretation, because comics are like that. Speaking of…
11. Comic books
Don’t go all snobby on me. Comics rule. They do. As a medium, I view them as being akin to Jazz music; a haven for reinterpretations, changes, modifications, improvisations, new instruments (or in this case, writers, artists, inkers, letterers, editors) that can rejuvenate the classics as well as create masterworks of their own.
12. The word ‘literally[3]’
The word is literally so overused I literally feel like vomiting whenever I write it and I literally roll my eyes whenever I read it and I literally wish I could literally banish it from literal history.
13. Books
I don’t consider books to be my friends, but they’re good company. They leave all the judging up to you and can’t fight you back. Though they can hurt you if you get hit with one hard enough.
14. Language
Being the son of an immigrant, I’ve been fortunate enough to speak two languages for many years. I can speak a bit of Spanish as well, though I’m far from fluent.
15. Being an immigrant’s son
My mother isn’t native to the UK[4]. I’ve lived here all my life, but while my mother has made a new home here, there is another home in South Africa, and while I’m a native of this country, part of me has never felt native in this country. Maybe it’s because I have only the option to put ‘White British’ as my nationality on documents, which I find harmful and degrading to my heritage.
16. My body
I don’t hate it, I used to hate it a few years ago, but now it merely is. I grew up in the era of people surrounded by muscular superheroes[5], action stars, and shredded men, and I probably fucked my own body from trying to live up to these images. By the time I was eighteen, I lifted weights for three hours a day, five days a week, and though there’s no medical diagnosis, I know it wasn’t good. It took the words of someone close for me to eat chocolate again, and I didn’t do that until I was twenty-one.
17. Being made to feel sorry
As a kid, I often felt like I’d be made to say sorry for things that weren’t even my fault. I still do it sometimes, though I’m getting better at not apologising.
18. Hearing a lot that I'm not “man” enough
I don’t even know the meaning of the word anymore.
[1] I should mention here that this is the formation of one, individual man, and is not representative of all men.
[2] … and books, and comics, and TV shows, and running, and video games, and hey, have you – no, I best not get started, this is a footnote, after all.
[3] It literally sucks. Okay, I’m done.
[4] She holds a British passport and all, and moved here decades ago, but she wasn’t born here.
[5] You may ask why I like comic books and films if so many of these media are filled with unrealistic body standards. My answer would be that these art forms are an expression – how society views and transfers their feelings towards them on society cannot be blamed on the work, but the people.