Nextdoor in Colonialtown

The following photos were taken by the author in the Colonialtown North neighborhood in Orlando, FL, between 2020 and 2021. The photos accompanying “Boom,” “Tactics,” “Dinner” and “Bricks” are homages to the suburban gothic paintings of Ericka Sobrack. The text was found and assembled from posts and comments on the Colonialtown North Nextdoor dot com page. A few sentences were lightly edited for clarity, all were forcefully reassembled.

COMMONSENSE

– Just had a young man ring doorbell and ask for a piece of bread. Strange! Caught on our camera if anyone needs footage.

– Description?

– Nice angular face but otherwise scary.

– Calling police/non-emergency probably isn’t such a bad idea, especially since his behavior isn't exactly normal. 

– I should have just went out and helped them, but I really didn’t want to get dressed. 

– This glitch in complacency will have a shelf life of five minutes.

– To be a good neighbor it is necessary to have a commodity that is in very short supply. Commonsense.

BOOM

– Did anyone hear that boom? What was it?

– Yes, what happened? I haven’t heard a thing.

– Anyone know what’s going on? Helicopter is circling around Colonialtown North over and over.

– This is not good.... They are still over our heads... Circling another 5 times...

– The nicest communities are a short drive from the worst. 

– It’s the stupid exhaust on these cars. It’s made to sound like gunshots.

– There is gas available at the station next to McDonalds. Some of the pumps only have regular available.

– Could of been a sonic bomb from the launch, as the rocket returned to land at the cape.

– Autocorrect messing you up.

– Yes. I’m shaken.

TACTICS

– By participating in the Dog Walker Watch program, you can take back control of your community from criminals.

– You all need to change tactics and get out of this neighborhood.

DINNER

– This evening a strange man rang my doorbell telling me he was at my house for dinner. I’ve never seen this man before in my life and don’t know him. When I inquired further he said “I heard you were cooking dinner.” 

– Did you call the police???

– Ringing the doorbell isn’t a crime, so no. 

FLAG

– Well, the Marks St. arsonist has struck again, kinda. The last time the Marks St. arsonist was here, the flag on my house was set afire, in the daytime. This time, however, the flag attached to my house was stolen off of the flagpole under cover of darkness. Thieves and arsonists, oh my. Lucky me. Domestic terrorists come in many guises.

– Did the dark man have on an American flag mask?!!

– He talked to himself quite a bit. It’s on my Ring but I couldn’t understand him. Then I talked to him through the window glass. The talk was strange. A quiet rant.

PLANT

– While away on a weekend trip, presumably the world’s most evil person stole our fiddle leaf fig plant off of our porch. 

– Thank God nothing happened to you. Evil people don’t look like monsters. 

– So glad you’re safe. Please arm yourself.

BRICKS

– A man comes by and takes a brick from my yard. I knock on the window. He sees me and takes it anyway. I don’t know how you get the street fixed but I was saving them for that occasion. White hair and mustached. Looks like a short haired small Santa. Nice small truck. I guess he’s collecting bricks to repair his street or build an historic grill. That was my brick. Thief. Looked straight at me and took the brick. Keep an eye on your bricks.

BABY CLOTHES 

– Someone has left baby clothes in front of my door and I have absolutely no idea why.

– Did you report to police?

– How many firearms have you purchased?

– She actually has an A.R.

– What does A.R. stand for?

– I’d call the cops… or is that offensive?

– Only if you feel threatened. That’s how POC get roughed up or shot.

– POC?

A LESSON

– I called 911 for a noise complaint at 11:20 & it was normal level by11:40.

– I just want to know what it is that motivated you to lodge this complaint… thanks for making things just a little more harder for me. 

– If you wanna play, be prepared to pay. I grew up knowing there were consequences for every bad action. Not enough kids are taught that today.

– Please find out who reported you. Then find lawful ways to make them miserable. I mean go out of your way to give them other things to worry about. I know it sounds petty, but it’s really the only way to teach these people a lesson.

COYOTES 

– Coyote spotted in Colonialtown. Just after 9am this morning, a (black) coyote ran down Glenwood. It charged full speed at me and my dog. I was able to quickly pick my dog up. (I squared off with it, staring it down.) It then curved around us and ran again at full speed toward Bumby.

– Coyotes are roaming our neighborhood nightly!

– They run a very particular way. Keep in mind it is mating season, so you may see more out and about.

– The “service dog in training” vest is a hoax.

– Were you able to get a shot off?

– Here are things to do if you encounter a coyote: If you’re walking a smaller dog, pick it up. For larger dogs, pull them in close to you. Make yourself appear the bigger threat. Stand tall, stare into the eyes of the coyote and shout at it. You also can throw something at it. Do not run or turn your back. Running may change the coyote’s opinion of you from aggressor to prey. Continue to “haze” the coyote until it leaves the area; then you should go, too.